Its just not the same when you do it at home.
You’re just reminding them of the mistakes they made back then. If you watch their facial expression carefully, then you’ll see the hurt in their eyes as they reminisce everything that happened.
Never use emotion as a weapon, it strikes deeper than you can imagine.
I’ve been meaning to write all of this out, and I think I finally have the guts to do it. Don’t expect for it to make sense. Don’t expect to really understand a lot of what I’m talking about. I think I’ll keep this pretty vague. Some people will know immediately what I’m talking about and where it’s all coming from, but most people won’t. I think I prefer it that way…but then again maybe I’d feel better if I just let it all out. No secrets. Well, there’s a time for everything; I don’t think this is it’s time. Ambiguity it is, then.
2010 was not my year. From New Year’s Day it was not my year. I don’t want to go on and on about what was so bad, but one event in particular changed me entirely. I came back from my Tampa 2010 trip a different person. Those closest to me knew immediately that I had changed. I was less bubbly, less open about my feelings, less energetic. In some ways, the changes were for the better. One friend observed that I had a tougher skin now; personally, as I’m growing up I find that to be a desirable quality. Certainly though my lessons had yet to be learned, as most of these changes paved the way for some bad decisions, irresponsible habits, and loss of self-esteem.
Over the course of 2010 I didn’t think very much of myself. I’m a sexual person by nature (always have been), but the events of that trip mutated what would have been healthy sexuality into something by which I was bound. I thought that sex was what I was worth to anybody. I wish I could say these thoughts were new to me, but in high school I went through a similar phase. Really though, reflecting on it, I would probably say those feelings have just never gone away. Rather, my feelings of worthlessness were just dormant, waiting for a trigger. And they got what they were waiting for.
I spent the last year thinking that sex was all anyone would want of me. I threw myself into situations where I was comfortable with the outcome, no matter how much it enforced my ideas of self-worth (that is, lack thereof), no matter how demeaning to my character. I knew what to expect from them and I found comfort in that. I insisted that I would never be in a relationship again, that nobody feels that way about me, that all I really needed was the physicality of another person. To this day I’m not sure if I’ll be in a relationship again, but I’m not as adamant about what I perceived to be a lack of benefits in romance. I saw no reason in being emotionally involved with another person as throughout the year I blindly made that mistake and was continually hurt. My heart would no longer be invested.
I vowed to never get married. Men, to me, were warm bodies. I didn’t expect cuddling, being close to one another, or romantic gestures. In fact, when these were offered to me, I was beyond surprised; however, I was sure never to initiate them as to not appear clingy or emotional. I didn’t want another person to think I thought I deserved more than what I was given. Honestly, I actually didn’t think I deserved more than what I was given. Sex was sex. I used to believe I would never be able to engage in sex with another person unless I had some sort of feelings towards them; but that was no longer the case.
Part of me wishes I could still believe that: that sex is something to be shared between people who have an affection towards one another, something more than just physical attraction. Unfortunately, that was not what I was given, and I will probably forever view sex as I do: a physical act of pleasure. Nothing more, nothing less. All I can do is remind myself that I’m worth more than what I make sex out to be. I am no longer someone to be used and tossed. I want to think I’m worth more than that, and this transformation will only happen when I stop allowing people to treat me as they do.
It’s hard for me to consistently believe I’m worth something and I’m still struggling to come to terms with the initial event. But I’m glad I got some of my thoughts down. At least I’m headed in the right direction. Already, 2011 is proving to be a better year. I’m learning and trying to grow as a person. I have a lot to offer the world and the sooner I realize that, the happier I’ll be.
I just need to accept that these are signs. The universe does not want me to be at Coachella.
Okay, universe. I get it. I won’t be going. Now stop screwing with me, and just let me be.
Simple as that.
Well, I finished writing a debriefing statement. Dumb IRB….they won’t even start to look at my application/protocol until I…
- Eliminate quotations around 2 words in one sentence of my informed consent form…
- Supply a debriefing statement explaining the deception that I used in naming my study in recruiting participants, as its different than the actual title of my study.
- Explain that they can withdraw in the debriefing statement that I had to write. Because I didn’t already write it in the informed consent…oh, wait…I did.
So after these things are completed (they’re complete), I get to print out another 2 ENTIRE copies of my application (roughly 20 pages each) just so they can have one more piece of paper and quotes removed from another. And I need to have my advisor sign the new copies…he told me how odd it was that this was happening…its never been requested to complete a debriefing statement just because you name your study in a vague manner for recruiting purposes. DUMB.
So, tomorrow I get to go get fingerprinted for substitute teaching, mail out my completed packet, help Ailea with some errands, run down to SJSU to get my stuff signed and turned in, AGAIN, and then tutor in the evening.
Seriously, I feel like I need another vacation already…Sigh.
My dinner plate just fell downstairs and broke everywhere. What an ending to my day…
January 23rd can suck it forever and ever. Nothing good comes of this day.
One of my tutees just failed her first math test of the semester. Ugh. =[
If all goes according to plan, I have someone to go to coachella with me. And she’s rad. So there :)
Anyone going?! I’m seriously considering it this year…gotta come up with $269 though.
The celebrities who are complaining need to lighten up. You have to be able to laugh at yourself. End of story.
Member of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association
Look at all the fuck he does not give.
oh ricky. i love you so much
He was just taking the piss and proved how everyone in America takes themselves way too seriously.
Whatever. I love him. Fuck the HFPA.
LAST DAY. Time seriously goes by far too fast.
- Woke up and repacked my bag, stripped my bed, and checked out
- Left my bags in storage at the hostel
- Walked around the market, but it was fairly dead. They’re doing a lot of construction and earthquake refitting for the buildings since its the off-season
- Grabbed a cup of tea from the first Starbucks. Cool, man.
- Bought some things- I ended up in the shopping district, and I’m not really sure how that happened. I don’t remember walking that far up from the market. Bought a couple things from Fossil and an item from Free People
- QUICKLY walked back towards Pike Place when I realized how dangerous hanging out in the shopping district would be
- Had lunch at Lowell’s: clam chowder, and a 3-cheese-grilled cheese sandwich with tomato and avocado. Yummmmmm
- Hung out at the hostel for a bit, listening to music.
- Grabbed my things and walked to the light rail station
- Caught the train and made it to the airport
Here I am now, at the airport…2 hours early for my flight. Is it too late to turn around and go back?
I was really sad to leave the hostel. Good times and good people there, for sure. And I’ll miss the city. A lot. Until next time, Seattle.
Today was much more relaxed and I did far less…partly because it was pretty chilly today and I’m still fighting this cold, so I was tired.
- Made pancakes for breakfast with one of my roommates
- Seattle Underground tour
- Pizza for lunch
- Walked back to the hostel for hot chocolate and to relax
- Ended up falling asleep for about half an hour
- Watched episodes of Arrested Development
- Free dinner…spilled hot tea on myself. WAY TO GO.
- It started snowing!!!!
- Walked to a bar when I couldn’t find a coffee shop open (it was around 10pm) and drank a little
- Talked to an older Austrian man at the bar…he wanted to get me a job
- A worker at the restaurant/bar tried to convince me to go to a club with him…I declined. HA
- Came back to the hostel, ate some kettle corn, and headed to bed.
Tomorrow is my last day here and I’ll likely spend it at the Market and drinking coffee. =]
- Took my time this morning…read (again) haha
- Walked over to the ferry and boarded to head over to Bainbridge Island for the day
- IT WAS SNOWING AND ABSOLUTELY LOVELY
- Had sushi on the island, and walked around their main street area looking at shops
- Bought a notebook from their market for school (recyclable, sustainable, etc etc)
- Bought 2 journals. I’m going to start writing more
- Both of those products were made in the US or Canada, so I feel pretty good
- Also bought a sling reusable bag for shopping. It’s purple and is made out of plastic bottles so that’s pretty neat
- Came back to the hostel before it got too dark
- Talked for hours….